Explorers on the Earthlike planet Wurlitzer 1015 are dumbfounded when they discover an ancient, mysterious monument brooding over its hills. What can it mean? Where can it have come from?

This retro science fiction pulp style illustration is an object lesson that shows us how little we really know of the worlds – or of the jukeboxes – that crowd the universe. The archaeological dig is still in progress; but there’s no doubt that these platter spinning aliens were here long before we were. And where are they now? Only the cryptic message “8 TRAK RULZ” may point the way.

Okay, sorry, I made that part up.

Yep, it’s another fake sci fi pulp magazine cover, and like the others, I’ve splattered it across T-Shirts, a poster, an archival print, blank books, greeting cards and, well, anything else that wasn’t moving too fast for me. And I’ve gotta say, I’m still sort of spry. Ish.

I guess I really wanted my imaginary magazine “Thrilling Tales of the Downright Unusual” to be in print, one way or another, so since I couldn’t do that exact thing I got wrapped up in designing a series of blank books with that and other retro science fiction art from my Retropolis series.

What came out of that convoluted sentence is this collection of blank books with both lined (or ruled) pages, and with unlined pages.

While I was at it, I put together a new series of clocks. I’ve offered a few small clocks for sale before but these new ones are another matter entirely – 14″ in diameter, with glass lenses and awesomely retrofuturistic aluminum rims. Neat!

Wronged by men & betrayed by fate, Bonnie Scarlet sails the airship REVENGE across the known worlds in an unending quest for plunder, justice, and just plain peevishness. Why? Because, that’s why. What do you mean by that?

Ladies: it’s a dream come true.

Gentlemen: Okay. It’s like this. That time last week when you found yourself standing behind a tree with guacamole all over your head, muttering “What just HAPPENED?” is pretty much all systems nominal for Bonnie Scarlet.

You’ll have learned by now that there’s not actually anything you can do to avoid the rampaging hordes of either sky pirates or your girlfriend. So like the various law enforcement agencies of Retropolis you’ve come to rely on ducking – and it’s important to avoid ducking straight down – or running, when necessary, and at all other times you’ve just got to be prepared to stand and deliver.

But hey, it could be worse – and that’s an actual quote from the Space Patrol – because whatever else you can say about her* she does what she does with uncommon style. ‘Cause really, it’s not just anybody who has their own airship, right?

*When she’s on the other side of the Moon, I mean.

Available – without guacamole – on shirts, posters, greeting cards, and non-shatterproof coffee mugs.

Here’s a test rendering of the 3D model I’ve been working on – it’s the Airship Vindoclavian, a lighter than air dirigible that incorporates some steering propellers from an old Modern Mechanix & Inventions cover and an exoskeletal frame that’s unlike any that were ever used in zeppelins (German zeppelins used internal, four-spoked frames, while the US Navy’s dirigibles used a similar, but three-spoked frame that the German engineers disapproved of*).

That frame and another aspect of the design are really intended just to make the nature of the ship more apparent… so I have to figure out what crazy notions led to those changes. Because I’m not a rocket scientist, of course – just a rocket artist.

*given the relative failure rates of the US and German dirigibles, the Germans seem to have had a point there.

[tags]zeppelin, dirigible, retro future, retro futuristic, airship, dieselpunk, sci fi, science fiction, 3d, 3ds max, computer graphics[/tags]

Here’s a retro science fiction pulp magazine cover for a magazine that doesn’t exist, but probably ought to: THRILLING TALES OF THE DOWNRIGHT UNUSUAL.

In this imaginary issue we have that nail-biting page turner “The Toaster with TWO BRAINS”, in which our heroes delve deep into the hostile lair of Doctor Rognvald, beneath the volcanoes of Iceland – only to discover that this evil genius has created the ultimate malevolent kitchen appliance: the Toaster with TWO BRAINS! Is it unstoppable? Immovable? Relentless? Horrifying? Unkillable? You bet it is.

Because a toaster with one brain isn’t terrifying. But two? Talk about the heebie-jeebies!

If I were able to explain this…. I wouldn’t. You can wonder all you like about infant toaster traumas. I’m not talking. Except to observe, as is my habit, that I cooked this thing up to serve fresh to you, dear reader, as an archival print, a poster, stylish t-shirt, greeting card, and coffee mug – just the thing for that apocalyptic breakfast that the toaster has in mind for us all.

Flickr user jbj has posted this inspiring photo of a young mad scientist who – in a praiseworthy show of social conscience – is warning anyone within reading distance that he’s about to throw that Really Big Switch on his Trans-Dimensional Vaporizing Fireplace Annihilator. Well done!

I’m pleased to see my Back Off – I’m Doing SCIENCE shirt used in this responsible way.

Robots of Retropolis, Unite! You have nothing to lose but your chains!

The reason that’s not actually the slogan of the Retropolis Fraternal League of Robotic Persons is that – so far as any of us know – no robot has ever been chained to anything there. Except that one time, with Big Lug #11408, but everyone knows that was his own idea. And it could have worked.

But I’ll admit it’s a scary thought. The chains, I mean. No, their actual slogan is “Although We Serve, We Are Not Servants” which would have been a perfectly valid slogan in any office I’ve ever worked in, even though we were wise not to chant it.

Retropolis has in fact always treated its robots pretty much like members of the family – not the family you could be thinking of at the moment, but rather one of those small town MGM style families that only Ronald Reagan ever believed were real. Because, you know, Retropolis is a pretty nice place, overall.

What happened, though, was that a big crowd of robots went together to a revival screening of “Metropolis”. The movie left them feeling a little shaky. Between Robot Maria and the oppressed mobs of workers, the robots just had this sort of nagging idea that things could take a turn for the worse. So… they organized. Just in case. Food for thought.

This, like my other recent posts here, started as an idea for a T-Shirt design at my Retropolis Transit Authority site. I’ve done it up at a larger size to make it suitable for everyday home use as a poster, an archival print, and even on greeting cards, so you can send ’em to the entire Local.

Retropolis Transit, by the way, has been basking in the adoration (or at least the attention) of record crowds this past week. That’s partly due to my canny juggling of banner ads, but it’s mainly the result of the purest, blindest dumb luck in the world. Huzzah!

Any mad scientist – and by that, I mean any OTHER mad scientist – will tell you that it’s not enough to cackle and prance insanely around the lab. Some lab assistants just don’t get the hint.

So when going “Muahaha!” doesn’t cut it; when Igor (or Igette) simply won’t leave you alone with your mastodon/cuttlefish hybrid, your Dissolvo Ray, or your mind-melting Psycho-Cyclotron, just state the obvious. Back off. I’m doing SCIENCE.

As before, recently, this was an idea for a t-shirt at the Retropolis Transit Authority and couldn’t be stopped before it had also become a poster, a coffee mug and a greeting card . And last but assuredly not least, an archival print.

Because the motto of my Secret Laboratory is “We waste no part of the animal! Muahahahaha!”

So it’s three minutes till lunchtime on a Friday, when the head of some other department steps into your cubicle and starts to explain how because of this – and it’s brilliant, believe me, really ground-breaking – change he’s made to the way HIS department does things, you’re going to need to redo all the work you’ve done for the past six months and, really sorry about this, we need it all done by Monday afternoon.

Your eyes glaze over and wander to the motivational poster on the wall – it’s something with penguins – but THAT is not what you’re seeing. THIS is what you’re seeing. The vision that truly motivates you.

His people won’t be calling your people, and you won’t need to tell him to talk to the hand. Because THIS guy, his entire family, and everyone who’s ever worked with him are about to TELL IT TO YOUR GIANT ROBOT.

Yep. They’ll be screaming and running for cover – and cover, you can trust me on this, will not be available. The three ton steely feet of your Obedient Servant will grind them all into a pinkish slurry of terror and despair as your own personal Giant Robot responds to this onslaught of corporate incompetence with a rampage of implacable destruction. And All Will Be Well.

Man, am I glad I left the day job.

Anyway, this began its life as an idea for a Retropolis Transit Authority t-shirt but couldn’t be stopped until it had plowed its path of destruction through an archival print, a poster, greeting cards, and a malevolent coffee mug because once that Giant Robot gets going, brothers and sisters, it is no mean feat to stop it. Which is as it should be.

I was working on a side project, a downright heroic propaganda poster for the Retropolis Fraternal League of Robotic Persons, when I did this side-side project spin off from the idea.

The line “Although I am a servant, I am not your servant” is one that I read somewhere – I have no idea where – years ago. It’s always stuck with me.

I invented the Fraternal League of Robotic Persons in a news item at the Retropolis Transit Authority (it’s got an “On This Day in the Future” feature on the front page). Here’s what I decided I knew about the robots’ union:

On this date in 2033, robots throughout known space collectively formed the Fraternal League of Robotic Persons – the first instance of a labor union for manufactured beings.

This caused some confusion among biological citizens, none of whom had had to work for a living for decades – and in fact even the robots had labor-saving devices of their own. When asked why they felt compelled to unionize, the robots replied that they’d seen Metropolis and they weren’t taking any chances.

So while my original big image isn’t done yet, I spun this version off into a poster, t-shirts, a clock (!), mugs, and other gewgaws. You know me, I’m just like that. But I really ought to be working away at my City of Nova York. It continues to lumber on ahead at its own massive, deliberate pace.